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I am a fucking idiot, mh 

- pile-ons on people hit my PTSD hard
- I work for Apple. I’m the stereotypical trans femme Bay Area techie you should hate and no amount of doing good will ever or should ever save me from the wall when the revolution comes
- I’m kind of stuck in this position because I’ve made living situation choices where I need to be consistently contributing to household money
- heck, I’m excited to be working there. I absolutely fucking suck.
- I still bristle at violence heavily

I am a fucking idiot, mh 

- I’d pass on Lockheed Martin but also I am not a disabled trans man looking for a WFH IT job to survive
- fuck Lockheed Martin btw. crater it into the ground.
- fuck America.
- romanticizing a European POV bristles me heavily. Solidarity to comrades there but by and large table stakes there are _more conservative_ than US
- I say this as the grand-nephew of decorated WWII partisans
- I am in constant despair
- I am clinging to this coastal sliver of momentary safety

I am a fucking idiot, mh 

- I am absolutely missing the bigger picture
- My PTSD stuff goes freeze, fawn, then flight. Emotional abuse via threats of violence and abandonment drilled learned helplessness and fucked the fight right out of me.
- Wanting to express myself in things that excite me, like my interest in computer-human interfacing, are deeply tied in with my coping strategy of trying to hide and do my thing because I don’t know how to function in the real-life violent world we live in

I am a fucking idiot, mh 

- this also instilled into me a vast, unending hate of self-proclaimed authority
- living in a nation where power capture is pervasive also made me substantially afraid of any organized group that has unaddressed power currents or dynamics
- violence shuts me down
- this means I absolutely suck as any kind comrade
- I try to do good quietly where it isn’t seen but philanthropy absolutely fucking sucks, it does very little substantial
- it’ll be just to put me to the wall.

I am a fucking idiot, mh 

@millenomi Please try and not be so hard on yourself. Remember it’s the system that sucks. Those of us who see the issues, are unhappy with them, and are trying to survive within it aren’t the problem. The assholes/psychopaths who proudly perpetuate it are. Would I be writing this if you’d said “hey, I work at Palantir and I’m damn proud of it.” No, not at all. But all things considered there are far worse things than working at Apple right now and not being proud of it.

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